Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
